codependency — Blog — The Blended Family Experience

I always tell this story when speaking about my career path and my time in film school. I took a practical approach to finding work after college. Originally, I had enrolled at Columbia College with a major in directing. About a year into my studies I decided to switch majors to Cinematography, because I felt as though it would be easier to get a job out of school. I was right about that, but I didn’t realize this was the beginning of myself scaling back my dreams.

This scaling back of dreams happened often, and it seemed to be rampant in my 20’s. Each time I scaled back, I knew a little bit of me was dying. I wasn’t sure if I could ever get that back. What I have come to realize through Al Anon (a support group for family and friends of alcoholics), therapy and spiritual work, scaling back my dreams became an outward projection onto everyone I have been around. I would hear, “How are you going to make that career?” “You make so little money.” “It’s not a real job.” Those voices were actually my thoughts and became motivation to make more money and prove people wrong. My shadow side was beating my true self, even though paradoxically they were gunning for the same goal. Success, but at what cost?

This cost was my part in a failed marriage. It started with false promises of big dreams for me and us. As weeks, months and years went on I scaled back and she saw this. This became a central point of conflict and was a place every argument would go no matter where it started. This scaling back was driven by fear and that fear was easy to tap into. From job to job no matter how much money or success I had, the fear was there and it was strong.

This is where my codependency really took hold. According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” I easily became obsessed with controlling her behavior through monitoring what I said and any information I gave so it wouldn’t set off an argument. This was no way to live, but I did it for years. This only fueled our volatile relationship. It became my part in it.

I was in a haze and I felt like I was living two separate lives. One with my career and one with my wife. It was exhausting. Near the end of our relationship I was running on fumes creatively in my job, and I slept in a separate bed at home to avoid any late night arguments. It didn’t stop. I gained the courage to finally start calling the police where things got really physical. She even called at times. I reached the end of my rope and moved out in the midst of her battle with alcoholism. I needed space to breathe. A safe place for the boys and myself. I supported where I could and took care of the boys the many times she was in recovery. It was a cycle, and I had to break it.

My hands are not clean in any of this and that is my confession. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I am deeply sorry for my part and I forgive her for everything she has done to me or because of my actions.

Now it’s time to heal. Time to scale up my dreams and live the life I was born to live. And so in the moment of breaking the cycle I began a new journey of self discovery. When I met Stephanie I knew that she was on a similar journey. The way we talked and the general understanding that we both had a part in our past failures. She is very much a part of my recovery. Early on in our relationship I began to repeat old patterns. Coming home angry, trying to get her to engage in my self pity. She didn’t take the bait. Thank God! She walked away and subtly encouraged me to get help. I went to Al Anon, therapy and to church. I read, listened and worked on myself. I put up healthy boundaries around places that put me back in a place of codependency. And now here I am. It’s not easy, but it feels right and I am slowly getting back on my path, and this is where the real work begins.

- Andy