Or three easy steps to making your second marriage work. Hahahahaha…ha...ha...kidding.
Actually, in a sense, it is easy. The concepts seem easy enough, the execution not so much. People in your life are going to be difficult, YOU'RE going to be difficult, circumstances might become challenging, and sometimes, life just isn't fair.
First Step, unpack your baggage. I have baggage. Andy has baggage. We ALL have baggage. We have baggage, because we are complex human beings. Our life experiences, our DNA, our emotional and psychological make-up, all impact how we perceive and anticipate not only our present environment, but how we think our future will play out. Andy and I went into our first marriages with a boatload of baggage, everything from identity development problems to dysfunctional family issues. To top it off, we were very young and very plastic, far too young to possess the crucial self-awareness of our own brokenness.
Needless to say, all of those underlying issues, coupled with our youth, went unchecked. They slyly shaped not only who we decided to marry, but what those first marriages evolved into. While we crawled out of those relationships, licking our battle wounds, we were both blessed with beautiful children, annnnnd a semi-truck load of life lessons. But here’s the thing, those life lessons aren’t worth a squat, if they aren’t fully embraced. Every jagged edge, every dark corner, every misstep, has to be acknowledged. This is the part that hurts like hell, but it needs to be done. It needs to happen, so you can officially move forward from that part of yourself. Our accountability has to be given a name, an identity. Our “darkside” needs to have a spotlight shone upon it at full force, so that it is no longer allowed to hide in the background, waiting to strike at the worst time. We need to be able to show ourselves the sweet grace in saying, “Hey you, Darkness, I see you there. I know you exist, but I’m not letting you run the show.” Because the more we fight that part of ourselves, the more we try to pretend that it doesn’t exist, the harder that part of us will fight back.
This may become a daily exercise. Andy and I certainly did not have this mastered going into our relationship together, and we continue to work on it, regularly. We are constantly unpacking our baggage, sifting through it, deciding what is worth keeping, what needs to run through an extra spin cycle in the washing machine, and what needs to be tossed in the trash. Going through this together is a delicate and messy process. There are days it takes all the restraint in the world not to press each other’s buttons, letting our own egos get the best of us, and wallow in our baggage. We’re learning to be sensitive to one another’s triggers and working on communicating through those moments from a place of love.
Step Two, make space for yourself. What in the world is making space for yourself, and what does that look like? Coming out of my first marriage, I was not at all familiar with this concept. As a mother and a wife, I made so much of my life about the people around me. As a husband and father, Andy had done much of the same. During the beginning of my separation from my first husband, I thought creating space meant running amuck on my kid-free weekends, trying to make up for my twenties. Um, yeah, not so much.
Giving yourself space is a mindset that allows you to turn inward from a place of love and grace. While wrestling with our baggage gives a name to the darkness within us, creating space for ourselves lets the light in. The most critical aspect of this, is understanding that YOU ARE WORTHY of this space. Processing all of the wonderful parts of ourselves takes space. Whether it’s meditation, exercise, yoga, a walk in nature, or reading a book, find that space for yourself. Honor it. Allow that space to become a tool for healing. Space becomes the breath after the darkness. I haven’t been great at holding that space for myself. Those moments early on in my relationship with Andy when I told him I was suffocating? Yeah, that definitely was not me holding space for myself. Space doesn’t let you suffocate. Space grounds you and allows you to just, be. Space clears out the mental dust, pulls you away from day to day grind.
Creating that space for yourself, you’ll soon be able to truly honor that space within another, and amazing things start to happen. You communicate more openly. You become a better listener. You respect yourself, and in turn respect your spouse, your children, everyone you encounter. Carving out space for myself has an effect that trickles out beyond my own little bubble. When I don’t take the extra effort for myself, I’m a hot mess, and the people around me suffer. I become anxious, I let my hang-ups get the best of me, and that suffocating feeling returns. Create space. Do it for yourself, and do it for those you love.
And then there’s possibly the trickiest step, establishing boundaries. Not to be mistaken for building emotional walls, this can be extremely difficult as a people pleaser. If you've already watched our "Let the Blend Begin," video, you are very aware of the many players in our blended family game. Planning a simple family vacation can become a monumental task comparable to building the Parthenon. Feelings get hurt. People become angry. Guess what? We have no control over how others will react. I'm sure you've heard the latter said time and time again. Inspirational internet memes preach it for a reason. It's true! At the end of the day we make decisions based on what is best for our marriage and our children. This may mean that, at times, hard lines are drawn. Boundaries have to be clearly defined. We attempt to handle conflicts with sincerity, dignity, and honesty, but at the end of the day if boundaries are needed to maintain the sanity of our marriage and the well-being of our children, then boundaries are created.
Boundaries don’t end with extended family and other individuals in the outer-ring of the blended family hierarchy. Andy and I also need to establish clear boundaries between each other, as spouses. When it comes to parenting, first spouses, in-laws, and work related stress, we hold each other accountable for 1) not overwhelming one another with our own issues, and 2) respecting one other’s space when it comes to areas like parenting, first spouses, in-laws, etc. We constantly experiment with the balance of supporting one another without overstepping boundaries. Sometimes we fail miserably, but when we do fail, we fall, we communicate, and we recover. Some days we can recover in a matter of minutes, some days it takes 24 hours.
I know, life is far more complex than three silly steps in a blog post. Shoot, Andy and I really are still in the infancy of this blended family marriage, but the next time things seem overwhelming in your blended family, give it a shot. Unpack your baggage (but don’t live in it), make yourself some space, and yes, boundaries are not only ok, sometimes they are absolutely necessary.
~Stephanie
